Sarah Created 05/05/01
1  2  3  4   Sarah's Playhouse

UPDATES    UPDATES PAGE TWO October 18, 2004 Dear Sarah, Hi Sweet Girl! It's coming up on that hard time of year again, for me and daddy. Halloween is always so bittersweet for me, I remember your last Halloween and how you were just starting to get sick and I had no idea that I only had 2 more short weeks to spend with you. Daddy and I are going to City of Hope again for Halloween to pass out candy. David and Laura will be going with us. David will be 12 years old in just one week, if you can believe that. Laura is getting to be a big girl too. She's 4 years old now and will be 5 years old in January. I have some news to share with you, sweetie, but I bet you already know what I'm going to say. Daddy and I are going to have another baby! We are due on June 21, 2005. We are so excited to be pregnant again. I've been praying and praying for the Lord to send us a baby. You were such a joy to us when you were born and there's nothing that can replace that feeling. I miss you sweetie...I'm counting the days until I can see your bright smile again. (((kisses and hugs))) Love Always, Mommy February 15, 2004 Dear Sarah, It's really been a long time since I've talked to you. I still miss you like crazy. I wish you could be here with us, big girl and see everything that is going on. I wanted to tell you Happy Birthday (you would've been 6 yrs old this year)! Also, I have some big news for you. Mommy and Daddy are going to try to have another baby. Daddy had to have a surgery so that we could have another baby because we decided that we weren't done after all. We are hoping that the Lord blesses us with a sweet baby soon...maybe you can give him/her a big kiss before you send 'em down to us. You wouldn't believe how big David and Laura are getting now. David is 11yrs old and in the 6th grade. He is getting taller and taller. He's also doing good on the swim team and has been going to swim meets and competing. Maybe you can help give him a little "push" sometime so that he can win once in awhile! :) Laura turned 4yrs old in January. That was so bittersweet for me, Sarah. I am so happy and grateful that Laura made it to her fourth birthday and so sad that I never got to see you make it to yours. Laura is so smart and just knows so much now. She really wants a baby sister and has been asking Jesus to "please let mommy get pregnant so I can have a little baby sister". The other day Laura asked me, "Mommy, do you think that Sarah ever misses me?" I told her that I did think that you (Sarah) missed her. I know that she misses you. Daddy took some time off of work to recover from his surgery and now he's doing good. He's been taking care of us all and working hard. He's also been going to Archery class with David and shooting arrows with him. I think it's neat that he likes to do things like that with David. He loves having his sweet little Laura around too. I know he's always a little bit sad that you're not here though Sarah. I hope that you'll watch over him while he's at work at the fire station for me. I don't know what I'd do without him....I love your Daddy very much. Anyways, sweetie, just wanted to let you know that I am still thinking of you and loving you. I'll see you soon, Love, Mommy August 1, 2003 Dear Sarah, Hi big girl. I'm thinking about you today...actually I think about you every day, still. I realized the other day, that you would be starting kindergarten this year, if you were still with us. I can't believe how quickly the time passes. Not too long ago, your cousin Emily was visiting at Grandma Colby's house with her mom, dad and baby brother, Preston. Daddy and I took Emily with us to get some food...we had David and Laura also. When we walked into the restaurant, I held Emily's hand and I realized that this is what our family SHOULD look like. A 10yr old, an almost kindergarten age little girl, and a 3 yr old. That hurt so much, Sarah. It always feels like something is missing. David is on the swim team now. He started a few months ago and he swims pretty good now. I love watching him swim...it's such a confidence builder for him. I put Laura in swim lessons. She has been doing well. Today she actually put her head under water, on her own! She'll probably be swimming on her own in about a month. Can you believe that? She's still doing gymnastics too. She loves going to class and practicing the balance beam and her tumbles. Hey, guess what? Nurse Chris is working at City of Hope again. Remember how you used to ask her to play Pretty, Pretty Princess, over and over again? We really liked having her for a nurse, didn't we? I better get going, honey. I love you so much...Love, Mommy April 28, 2003 Dear Sarah, I haven't written to you much lately. It's not because I don't think of you as often...you know I do. I am still struggling to deal with losing you and it really hurts to think about, so sometimes I just push it all away so that I can just go on. It really still bothers me that you had to suffer so much during your last 8 months here with us. We tried to do everything for you and make you happy. All you really wanted was to be healthy again and we couldn't give that to you. You know I would've done anything to make you better. It's just not fair that you had to go away from us. I miss you so much, Sarah. Not too long ago, Laura told Grandma Tammy something. She said, "When Sarah went to Jesus, she was scared and said, 'Come with me! I don't want to go alone!'" Honey, I hope you weren't scared. I hope that you ran straight into Jesus' arms and forgot every bit of pain you ever felt here on Earth. My precious girl. Your sister, Laura is doing good. She is 3 yrs old and still taking gymnastics twice a week. She is doing well in class. She's also becoming very opinionated and chatting up a storm with everyone she sees. She can spell her own name in sign language. Oh, and this is funny, Laura says when she grows up she is going to be a singing star and go on American Idol! ha ha. I guess you never know, do you? David is in swimming now. He is doing really well and learning how to swim all different styles. He is struggling a bit with freestyle because he has to keep his face in the water while he swims. But, he's great at the backstroke. I'm sure with some practice he will keep improving. Daddy is fine and so am I. We miss you and love you, but we are trying to be brave and keep on going. You know, I love your Daddy so much and I don't know what I would do without him. He has been so wonderful to me and really held this family together. I think that Aunt Shirley is doing ok with her chemo treatments. I know they must be making her pretty sick though. Please keep an eye on her for us. You know how hard it can be to be going through that. I talked to Aunt Melanie today too. She is all done with her treatments, but she's still feeling the after-effects of the chemo. We are praying that her cancer stays away and that she lives a long healthy life. I know you especially love Auntie Melanie and will keep a close watch on her for us. Well, sweetie, I guess that's it for now. I'll see your beautiful face someday again and that will be Heaven enough for me. Love, Mommy February 22, 2003 Dear Sarah, Hi Sarah, it's mommy again. It's only been a few weeks since I've written to you , but it feels like so much has happened since then. I don't want to dwell on anything bad, so I will just ask you to please watch over your Great-Aunt Shirley and Great-Uncle Todd. You know, honey, I'm not even sure how to talk to you anymore. Are you still a little girl in Heaven? Or are you all grown up now and know so much more than me? I'm really not sure. I want you to know that I am fighting so hard to be positive and be someone that you are proud to call your mommy. I really struggle with this because I am so sad that you are gone, but I know that I have to stay here and take care of Laura and David and Daddy. And I think that as long as I am here I should try to be happy and go out of my way to help other people who are in pain. I'm going to have to go to bed now, sweetie. I think about you every day. Come and give me a kiss sometime, honey. I love you, Love, Mommy January 29, 2003 Dear Sarah, Hi sweetie. I am so full of emotion right now and I just don't know how to let it out, except to talk to you. Everything is going ok at home....Laura started preschool (can you believe that she's 3 now?), and David is doing really well with his homeschooling. We're all moving along and things are good. But, I still have such a huge longing inside of me, for you. How can my Sarah Marie be gone? It just doesn't seem possible. I can see you so clearly in my mind, the day we found out you had cancer. It all seemed to happen so quickly and we had to take you to Loma Linda so that they could operate on you. It was evening so they just wanted us to stay until the morning and then they would try to remove the tumor that was on your spine. I walked through the double doors that led into the Pediatric Oncology ward and my heart just sank. Little bald headed children were everywhere. "That's not going to be MY girl!" I thought. You were so beautiful. You ran and played with the other children, that night. You had rosy cheeks and your curly brown hair was bouncing behind you as you raced up and down the halls. I knew that you were special...Daddy and I loved you more than anybody could love any little girl. You were pretty, smart and you made us laugh; you brought such joy into our lives. I really never thought I could love you more. Eight months later, you were at home, during your last days here with us. Your hair was completely gone...you didn't even have eyebrows or eyelashes. You couldn't walk anymore or hear . You stopped talking and just slept. But, I knew then that I really did love you more than anything. It was what was inside you that I loved. It showed through even when everything on the outside was gone. I just don't know how to wait to see you again without being so sad. If I could ask you for one thing, it would be for you to come and tell me that you are happy where you are. I pray that you're happy...you deserve to have pure joy and happiness in Heaven. I'm sending you kisses and hugs, angel . I love you forever, Love, Mommy January 8, 2003 Happy Birthday, Sarah Marie! Hi sweetie, I wanted to tell you Happy Birthday, even though you're not here with us to celebrate it. We are all thinking about you all the time and hoping that you are having a wonderful time in Heaven. David had his 10th birthday in October and Laura is turning 3 years old in 8 days! I can't believe how quickly the time goes by. This would've been the year you started school, Sarah. I know I would have been such a proud mommy, taking you into kindergarten for the first time. I'm missing having you here and doing all the mommy/daughter things that we would've been able to do. You are my oldest daughter and you are not here for me to brush your hair, paint your toenails and giggle over girl-things with. I am having a fun time with Laura; she is a sweetie and she misses you too. I feel bad that her only sister is gone. I just hope that you're happy, babe and that all your wishes come true now. You are truly my little angel and I wish you a Heavenly birthday celebration! I love you forever, big girl. Love, Mommy ~To God: Please Lord, help heal our family. The pain is just so bad. We all miss our Sarah. Keep her safe for us and protect us from harm. We love you Lord and trust you. Help us through this. November 8, 2002 Dear Sarah, Tomorrow is the one-year anniversary of you going to be with Jesus. I miss you so much, honey. I can't believe it's been a whole year since I've seen you, held you and kissed you. My poor, poor little girl! I wish you never had to be sick. I wish you never had to die. I am so sorry that I couldn't make you better. I would've done anything to save you. I am praying that you are with Jesus and that you are o.k. now. Daddy and I are trying to do things to help other children that are sick; we went to the hospital (City of Hope) on Oct. 30 and passed out candy to the pediatric cancer patients. David and Laura got to trick or treat with the kids too. David dressed up as a baseball player and Laura was Sponge Bob Square Pants. I wanted to just grab one of those precious bald-headed children and kiss them on top of thier head. Just like I used to do with you. I miss curling up with you at night and watching "Dunston Checks In". I miss playing Pretty, Pretty Princess with you. I just miss everything about you! You are always on my mind and in my heart. I will be thinking of you and missing you until the day that I die. Come and see us sometime, precious girl. I love you, Love, Mommy Oct. 18, 2002 Dear Sarah, Hi sweetheart, it's been awhile since I've written to you; I still think of you every day. I was looking at the last letter I wrote you and realized that there were a few things that I haven't told you. I had to take Laura into the dentist to have her teeth repaired, back in September. She had to go to sleep in the hospital for the doctor to work on her. After the repairs were done, the dentist came out to get me. Sis, I had to hold my tears back....they pulled her front teeth out! The dentist said he tried to save them, but they were too far gone and he had to pull them. I went back to see Laura and she was just waking up from the medicine that made her sleepy. She was whimpering and crying. Her mouth had dried blood in it and was hurting her. My poor baby! I took her home and had to give her soft food to eat like applesauce. Laura was in pain all weekend long. I gave her Tylenol, but it didn't seem to help much. I even found some Tylenol with codeine in the cupboard and gave it to her, but it only helped her for about 3 hours. I was going to call the dentist by Monday to ask for some pain medicine for Laura, but then she started feeling better. I'm happy to say that the ordeal is over now and Laura is doing good. She's as cute as she can be even though she won't have front teeth for 6 more years! Aunt Melanie is still getting chemotherapy. She just finished her 3rd round of chemo and is on a break. The doctors want her to do 3 more rounds. Her hair has grown back in the front and she's not losing any more. And the best news is that her MRI came out really clear and the doctor didn't see any sign of cancer! I feel like some really hard times are coming up on us now. The anniversary of your going to Heaven is soon (November 9), Thanksgiving, Christmas, and your 5th birthday. I don't know how we're going to get through all of it. I hope that you're happy, Sarah. I pray that you are ok and that we'll all get to see you again. David keeps one of your little pink hats in his room. We all miss you so much, babe. Please know that I love you. I will talk to you again soon, Love, Mommy July 23, 2002 Dear Sarah, I have good news! Laura is potty trained! She is now wearing "big girl panties" like you used to and she's not even really having accidents anymore. I'm so proud of her. We don't have to buy diapers anymore. Remember when the nurses used to call your Pull-Ups, "diapers"? You would get SO mad! You would say, "Diapers??!!! I don't wear Diapers! Diapers are for babies like Laura!!!". And I would have to tell those silly nurses, "Sarah wears Pull Ups. She is a big girl, not a baby.". Laura is out of diapers now, but she still uses her binky and a bottle. Oh well, one thing at a time. I'm just not going to push the issue with her. She has to go to the dentist soon to get her teeth fixed. Remember when she fell on the kitchen floor and almost knocked her front teeth out? Well, those front teeth turned all yucky and brown. She has some cavities too. So she is going to have to go to the hospital and be put to sleep (like you used to sometimes) and they are going to fix her teeth all up and put pretty white caps on them. I am so anxious to have her teeth finally fixed. They said she might be able to have it done as soon as Aug 2nd. I sure hope they can do it then. I have to go give your sister a bath now, Angel. I am thinking of you and trying not to be too sad. I love you and miss you so much. You will always be my light, Sarah. Love, Mommy July 5, 2002 Hi Pumpkin, I haven't written to you in awhile. Sometimes I start a letter to you, but I have to stop because it makes me so sad. I know it helps me to talk to you and let my feelings out though, so I have to continue, even though I don't know if you can even see or read what I am writing. Yesterday we had our first 4th of July without you. Remember last year? We spent the night in San Diego. We went to Coronado and sat on the beach and you and David and Laura played and played all day long. Then it started to get dark and we waited for the fireworks to come. But when they did, they were too far away to see and we didn't enjoy the show. I think you had a fun time anyway though. The other night I sat down and watched the video tape I have of you and the other kids. I started that tape when you were one and a half years old. It was so nice to watch that. I watched you grow out of being a baby into a beautiful little girl....I saw your second birthday and you dancing around the living room and you playing with baby Laura. All of it made me happy, honey. I laughed and laughed at the funny things you and David and Laura did in that tape. Then I watched the very last thing I recorded on that tape. Your third birthday. And I realized that I would never get to celebrate another birthday with you. You never got to have a 4th birthday. I just started crying, Sarah. I really have no idea how to get through this. Sometimes I am just overcome with sadness, grief and guilt. I don't cry every day anymore, but when I do feel sad, the pain isn't any less than it was 8 months ago. Laura still asks me, "Where is Sarah?" and I say, "She's in Heaven." and I point to the ceiling. Laura says, "Get a ladder and bring her back." When I tell her that I cannot do that, she gets frustrated with me and says, "I will go up the ladder MYSELF and I will carry her down." Oh, Sarah, it just breaks my heart. I would give anything in the world to climb up that ladder and carry you home with me. Maybe when the time comes, you will climb DOWN the ladder and carry me home instead. Ok, honey, I have to stop crying for now. I wanted to tell you that Auntie Melanie just finished her first round of chemo. She is still half bald from the radiation they gave her, but she's doing ok with the chemo so far. She gets tired easily and sometimes feels nauseas, but she still looks wonderful and is doing great. We all went to her house yesterday for the 4th of July and had a lot of fun. We went swimming and had a barbeque. David made these cute "firecrackers" filled with candy to pass out to everyone. Laura wouldn't leave your cousin Erica alone. I guess little girls just can't resist 15 year old cousins. Laura just kept saying, "I want my Erica!". It was nice for me though...Erica took care of her all day long. It was really cute. Laura has been loving your playhouse. She goes out there almost every day and "cooks" in the kitchen. You know how she and David love to watch Sponge Bob Square Pants? (I know, I know, Sponge Bob, Poop Poop, as you like to call it). Well, anyways, sis, the other day, Laura is in the playhouse and she sticks her head out the window with a plastic hamburger in her hand and shouts, "DAVID! Your Krabby Patty is ready!" I was laughing so hard at her. She likes to hold the plastic spatula in her hand and swat David with it and say, "Git out of my kitchen David!!!!!" He just loves to tease her. You know how older brothers can be! Daddy has been working and working. There are so many fires this season! He's already been on two strike teams; one to San Diego and one to Bishop. I hope that you'll keep an eye on him for me, honey and make sure he doesn't get hurt. I don't know what I'd do without Daddy. He really is the center of our household. He is really hurting for you too, Sarah. I hope that you'll come and visit him sometime, just give him a little dream and tell him that you're alright and how much you love him. It would really mean a lot to him. I better get going now, it's getting late. As always, I am thinking about you and missing you. You will always be my little Sarah Marie. And you will always be my Pretty, Pretty Princess. I love you babe, Love Mommy May 25, 2002 Dear Sarah, Hi big girl! I just need to ask you something really quick. I think that David is having a really hard time now with you being gone. He's upset easily and he's just missing you so bad and he's having trouble telling mommy exactly what he needs. Can you please help him feel better? Pay him a little visit or give him a dream. And help Mommy to know how to help him too. I worry about him so much. And he seems so sad right now. Thanks sweetie, I love you always, Love, Mommy May 9, 2002 Dear Sarah, Today it's been 6 months since you went to Heaven. I've been trying to figure out what you are doing up there. This is what I think. You are dressed in a shimmering, white gown. Your brown hair is gleaming like gold and curling around your little shoulders. Your lips are red and your eyes have never been bluer. Everything about you is perfect from the top of your head down to your cute little toes that are peeping out from under your gown. You smile all the time now. Your laughter is like music that sprinkles through Heaven. You are probably going to school and being taught by the best teacher in Heaven. It doesn't take long to teach you anything because you are so smart anyways. I think that you are learning as much as you can so that you can be ready for Mommy and Daddy later. You want to see and learn as much as you can about Heaven so that we we all come to join you, you can show us around and say, This is how we do things here. You probably have one eye on Heaven and all it's glory and one eye on us to make sure we're ok. We'll be fine sweetie. I want you to go and play and learn and make up for the childhood that you lost down here. You will never be out of my mind and heart. I will carry you around with me forever and use your memory to help me become a better person. God truly sent us an angel when he gave you to us. I hope that you will always remember your Mommy. When I take my last breath here on Earth, I want your beautiful face to be the first thing I see. I love you big girl. Have fun and go play now. Love Always, Mommy May 7, 2002 Dear Sarah, You are so funny! I asked you to come and say "Hi" to us and I guess you did. The other night when Daddy and I were sitting in the living room watching t.v. a toy telephone starting ringing all by itself. Daddy and I just looked at it wondering how it started ringing. So I said, "That's Sarah. She's just trying to get our attention." Daddy looked rather skeptical, but I insisted, saying, "She's trying to talk to us. That's why the phone rang twice. She's saying 'hello' ". About 3 seconds later, the same phone turned back on and said, "Hello!" "Hello!". Two times! One for mommy and one for daddy. Daddy finally believed me then. He said quietly, "Hi Sarah". Thank you Sarah for giving us something to hold on to. We miss you so much and I'm sure you know that. We just got back from vacation and we all had a blast, but you were missing from our trip. Maybe you rode along with us for just a little while and enjoyed the scenery. I love you Sarah Marie! Here's a {{{{{{KISS}}}}} from Mommy and a big {{{{HUG}}}} too. I'll see you soon angel. Love, Mommy April 12, 2002 Hi honey, this is dad. I know I haven't updated for a while. The last time that I did it was to inform everyone that your condition had taken a turn for the worse. I wanted to Thank you for being my little girl. I really feel blessed to have been your father. You taught me so much in a short time. I need to Thank you and God, for the fact that you stayed strong until I was finished with my test. You and God knew that I would not have been able to concentrate on my test, if all this would have happened before. I love you and really miss you. I have good days and horrible days. I have your picture hanging up in my locker at work. I look at you and say "good morning beautiful" to you everyday. I know that your watching over me, at work. I'm worried about Mom, she has good days and horrible days also. We usually don't have them at the same time. I know how much that she "misses you ," and how hard it is on her. Don't get me wrong, It's really hard on me. I guess I do a better job of acting. She really has a hard time when we go on trips in your "Van." She has been sleeping a lot lately. I think this is her way of coping. Laura is trying her best to keep us on the positive. She is so full of life. She reminds me of you, at that age. She is trying to be a "Daddy's girl," but I think she is more of a "Mommy's girl".We have a picture of Laura sitting in my Fire Engine. I really wish I had one of you like that. Gina and I still talk about how you were scared of the Fire Engines. Laura doesn't like the idea of going into your room. She still calls it "Rah, Rah's room." I know that she misses you. David is having a hard time. He is more emotional about things. We finished his adoption, while you were still with us, but it took forever to get his actual birth certificate. I know that, you two would fight, like only brother and sister could. He would call you a "brat," but he truly love's and misses you. This is all scary to him. We went to your grave site the other day. Your head stone was there. You looked beautiful in your picture. I really hate that place. Not because it's your grave site. It just bring back the bad memories that I have. I know that in time that this will get easier. I also know that my attitude will change, about going and seeing your grave. I've been trying to figure out in my simple mind, why this had to happen. We loved you and still do. I see kids all day long, at my work who don't get the Love and attention that you, David, and Laura get. I truly believe that you were angel, who was sent down here. I Loved all the time that I spent with you, Even when you did act like a "brat." Everytime that I walk in the back yard, I think of you. Seeing the "play house" and grass, brings a smile to my face. When I wrote my speech for your funeral, I sat in your play house and wrote it. I need to go sweet heart. I need to get some things ready for work. I love you and miss you, Dad. April 10, 2002 Dear Sarah, Hi honey...it's Mommy again. How are you pumpkin? I hope that you are happy and doing wonderful. You are probably very busy and having a great time. Unfortunately, mommy isn't having such a good time. I am feeling more and more sad all the time for you. It's like I am just beginning to really feel like I am truly never going to see you again. I see your sweet face all over this house; all of your pictures, your cute little clothes, and your toys and sometimes I can hardly stand it. I just want you back soo bad. I am really trying hard to move forward and put on a happy face. I take care of David and Laura and Daddy. I talk to Auntie Chrissy and all of my friends and I laugh. But, inside I feel so empty and sad. It just seems so unfair that a sweet little girl like you had to suffer here. I truly hope that nothing I did caused you to go through this ordeal. We all went to visit your grave the other day. You have a beautiful headstone with your picture on it. It's the prettiest one in the whole cemetery. We left you an Angelica doll when Laura wasn't looking. We had a quote put on your headstone that says, "I thank my God upon every Remembrance of you". And I do, sweetie. I was so lucky to get to have you as my daughter. I am just stingy and wanted to keep you for a long, long time. You were my first daughter and the one who taught me how fun girls are! You will always be in my heart, mind and soul. I want to be strong and good so that when the time come for me to go, you will be standing in Heaven and saying, "Here comes my mom. I am so happy to see her." There's a lot of suffering in this world, sis. I don't understand it. There are several more Rhabdoid kids who aren't going to make it. Why do they have to suffer? These are innocent little children! I know that God our Father is kind and loving and that He makes everything Right. I guess my "earthly" mind just can't comprehend how all of these things are "working for the good" of the overall plan. I am asking you Sarah to help show these children the way to Jesus and to help them go peacefully and painlessly. Specifically, Tommy, Savannah and Dion. They are in need right now. Ask Jesus to help them and to comfort thier poor parents, honey. I also would like to ask you again to visit us, Sarah. Just a dream, a touch, a voice, anything. I think it would mean the most to Daddy. I think that Laura sees you all the time, and David and I have already had quick dreams that you said "hi" to us in. But, Daddy hasn't had anything yet. Please come and say "Hi" to Daddy and tell him that you love him. Tell him how happy you are so that he can feel better. He loved you more than he has ever loved anyone sweetheart. I have to go now, big girl. I love you and miss you. I want to hug you, kiss you and tell you how special you are to me. I want to paint your toenails and do your "school" with you. I want to read to you and sing to you and be your Mother. Goodnight, Angel. I will be with you again soon. Love, Mommy March 3, 2002 Dear Sarah, Hi sweetie. How are you doing, big girl? Me? I'm doing alright, I guess. I have my good days and bad days. Sometimes I feel o.k. and the days pass by easily. Other times you are on my mind so heavily that it hurts to breathe. I keep thinking of you when you were a little baby. I don't know why it bothers me so much to think about that time with you, but I think it is because you were so innocent and unaware of what was lying in your future. I wish, sometimes, that I could go back to those days and take you far away from any pain, fear and unhappiness that you had to endure in your short little life. I just want to be able to make up for everything you went through here on Earth. I hope that Jesus already has. This is for you: You closed your eyes, took one last breath you were gone in a moment taken by death My 3 year old angel, why couldn't you be 4? I can't hold you or kiss you like I did before I don't know when or how I'll see you again or when I'll stop thinking about what could have been there's a hole in my heart where you used to be your memory fills it it will never leave me One day when I'm old and my time has passed I know I will see you and be happy at last The golden light will come and surround our family David, Laura, Sarah Daddy and Mommy all together again until Eternity. I love you Sarah. I have always loved you and I always will. I will see you again soon. Don't forget Mommy and Daddy, Day-Day and Laura. We all think about you all the time. We are all proud of your courage and strength. You deserve to be happy, big girl. Here's a giant {{{{{{KISS}}}}} and a tight {{{{{{HUG}}}}}. Love, Mommy 02/17/02 Dear Sarah,   Hi honey. I felt like I had to talk to you tonight. I am thinking about all the things I am going to miss doing with you and it is making me so sad. I really hope that one day I will have more happy days than sad days, but for now, it seems that the bad days still outnumber the good. I want to see you grow up. I wanted to buy you a lunch box and see your shy smile in your first kindergarten school pictures. I was looking forward to your drawings of big smily faces with stick arms and stick legs to hang on the refrigerator. I wanted to ride with you on the school bus to your first field trip and help you pick Valentine's to pass out to your friends. I wanted to show you how to fix your hair and wear your makeup when you went to Junior High School. I thought we would go shopping together and tell each other funny stories to make us laugh. I was going to help you pick your classes in High School, watch you go on your first date and to the prom and then graduate. I wanted to help you pick a college to go to. Then I thought you'd call me one day and tell me that you'd met someone and wanted to get married. We'd plan the best wedding and buy you the most beautiful dress we could find. Daddy would walk you down the aisle. A few years later, you'd have a little girl that looks just like you. I would have a friend and Laura would have a big sister to look up to for advice and friendship. I had a dream last night that you hadn't really died. I went and got you from a friend's house and we were going to surprise Daddy. I knew it was going to make him the happiest man in the world. Why couldn't it be true? I want to turn back time and make it be different. I want you to still be here with us. Please know, that you are in my thoughts every single day and you will be for the rest of my life. When I see you again I want to hug you and kiss you a hundred times. Then I want you to tell me about everything you've been doing. Don't change a bit, big girl. You just stay my Dunston-loving, Rugrat crazy, binky-sucker, mad-girl face, sweet carefree spirit, girl that you have always been! I love you forever and ever. Love, Mommy February 9, 2002 Dear Sarah,    Hi sweetie! Time sure is flying by fast around here. I can't believe it's already February. The other day I took David and Laura to the store and we bought a new Rugrats video. It's called Rugrats Easter. You can come and watch it with us when you have a chance, if you want to. I think you'd like it...it's pretty funny. We got news about your Aunty Melanie the other day. The tumor that she had in her head (you know, the bad egg?) is called Oligo-astrocytoma Grade III. That's a pretty big word, but it means that she's going to have to get radiation and chemotherapy too. She's probably going to have to start pretty soon. We're not sure how long they can keep the tumor away and we don't want it coming back. Can you ask Jesus to let Aunty stay healthy for a long, long time? At least long enough so that Jessica can have a Mommy while she's growing up.   I talked to Dr. Sato the other day, sis. I bet you miss her looking for Barney in your ears, huh? I don't think I ever told you this, but right after you left us to go be with Jesus we called and talked to Dr. Sato. She said that every once in awhile a child touches your heart and that you were that child for her. And you know that she sees lots and lots of kids. You were so funny and full of spirit that no one could help but remember you and smile. The nurses are all sad because they can't play Pretty, Pretty Princess with you anymore. I'm sad too, because I've been thinking about you when you were just a little baby. How sweet and innocent you were and how you did not deserve to have to suffer like you did. I'm very sorry that it had to happen, Sarah. I would've rather died myself than watch you go through all of this. I hope that Heaven is so beautiful and wonderful that you have forgotten about any bad thing that ever happened to you here. All I remember about you is your beauty, your strength and your character. I hope that you are watching over all of us and that you will help Mommy when my faith is weak and I feel that life is so unfair.   Have you been coming and seeing Laura? Or maybe you're coming and seeing all of us but she's the only one who can see you? She says, "Rah-rah" and points to the ceiling. Then she says, "Pretty. Hair". And rubs her own hair. And everytime Mommy cries, Laura says, "Sad?" and I say, "Yes" and she says, "Rah-rah?" because she knows I miss you. I'm still looking to finding that first gray hair on my head that will tell me I'm a little closer to seeing you again. When I'm old and gray people will look at me and feel sad for me knowing that I don't have much time left on Earth, but what they won't know is that I'll be soo happy knowing that it's almost time to see you again. Take care, honey, and know that you are in my thoughts and in my heart at all times, Love, Mommy January 27, 2002 Dear Sarah, Hi sweetie! You must be helping me lately because I am feeling better. I still miss you and think about you all the time, but I'm not as sad as I was when I wrote you your last letter. There's something that I need to ask you for help with. Aunty Melanie is sick, honey. The doctors found a "bad egg" in her head. Kind of like what you had in your back except hers is in her head. They did an operation to take it out and the doctors thought that it was just an "egg" but not a "bad egg". Well, after they looked at it, they are now thinking that it IS a "bad egg". Daddy and I are worried about her because they say she might need chemotherapy. I know Aunty is getting scared, but is trying not to show it. Please ask God to help her, Sarah. She has her 3 kids (Big Day-Day, Erica and Jessica) who all need her. And Uncle John would be so sad if something happened to her. We all would be sad. Also, Sarah, there are some Rhabdoid children (that's the kind of cancer you had) who are not doing so well. You may be seeing some of them before too long. Can you make sure to watch over them? And ask God to help their parents not to be too sad. I'm still waiting for you to come and say "Hi" to me. I know you're probably really busy up there, but when you get a chance, I'd love to see you and your pretty hair. I better go now, sis. I love you so much. I will see you soon. Love Mommy. January 20, 2002 Dear Sarah, Hi honey, this is Mommy again. You have been on my mind all day today. I wonder if you are near me today? I am missing you soo much and don't know how I am going to go through 30 or 40 years without seeing you. Today I have been thinking about the last couple of days we had with you. Do you remember when you couldn't hear us anymore? And how mad you were getting because you thought we were ignoring you? And you KNOW that Daddy and I would never, ever ignore you. We were talking to you the whole time, but you couldn't hear us because your ears weren't working anymore. It makes me so sad when I think about that, Sarah. I will tell you now the things I wanted to tell you then. I love you sweetie. You are a beautiful girl and so brave. You don't have to fight anymore. It's not your fault that the "bad eggs" came back. You fought them so hard and, even though you hated it, you took your medicine and tried to "explode" those bad, bad eggs. I hope you understand that the only reason Daddy and I made you have to take medicine, go to the hospital, get pokes and feel sick is because we love you SO much and wanted you to stay here with us. You don't have to be afraid. I know that you are going to a beautiful place and that you'll see Jesus today. We will never forget you. You are so special to us...no one will ever replace you in our hearts. Mommy and Daddy, David and Laura...we are all going to be REALLY sad for a long time. Please ask God to help us through this. I don't know how we'll make it. That is what I wanted to say to you. I wish you could've heard me. I am just so sad right now, honey. I don't know what to do. I feel like my heart is broken and I'm going to be sad forever. I'm trying really hard to be a good Mommy to Day-Day and Laura...I'm trying to not let Daddy be too sad (but you know that you were his favorite person in the whole world). I am looking forward to seeing your beautiful face again someday. I have to go now...Laura is trying to get some attention! I love you {{{{{{{{THIS}}}}}}}} much and I will talk to you again soon. Love Mommy January 13, 2002 Dear Sarah, Hi big girl! I bet you won't believe this but Laura is going to be 2 years old in just 3 days! She is getting so big too. You should see her talking now. Whenever she sees your picture she says, "Rah Rah?" And then I say, "Sarah?" and she says, "Uh-huh". She still remembers you. Sometimes I ask her if she can see you and she says "yes". When I ask her what you look like now she says, "Pretty" and rubs her hair. She also points to the ceiling and says, "Rah rah up there.". I wish I could see you like she does. I just know that you are so beautiful. Laura has also started playing "Dunston" with me, like you used to. Of course, she's not quite as good at it as you were, but she's SO cute when she does it. I put a little piece of tape on her mouth and she says, "Dunston, hurry!" and then I take the tape off and she says, "Owww" just like the little boy in the movie. It is so funny. Someday when I get to be with you again, maybe we can play Dunston. We'll make Daddy and David play Pretty Pretty Princess with us and we'll make them wear the earrings too! hee hee. David got new bunkbeds today. Actually Aunty Melanie and Uncle John gave them to us to use. They used to be Big David's. Our David was so excited about them and he wanted to sleep on the top bunk...but I think he got scared, sis. He didn't want to stay up there. He ended up laying on the bottom bunk. Kind of funny. Laura got a new Barbie and a Barbie car from Aunty Melanie for her birthday. She was really enjoying that. Did you know that I put Laura in a gymnastics class? She really likes it. She does tumbles and walks on the balance beam and bounces on a trampoline. Of course, Mommy has to help her with all of that because she is not a big girl like you yet. Anyways, I have to go now Angel. I love you "tons" and here's a big {{{{kiss}}}} and the tightest {{{{hugs}}}}. And a kiss for your bald head that's probably not bald anymore. Night-night, big girl. I'll see you soon...Love Mommy January 3, 2002 Dear Sarah, Your birthday will be here in 5 days. You are such a big girl! 4 years old! Daddy and I weren't sure what we could get for you this year, so we decided to get you some flowers and balloons. We will try to find some Rugrats balloons for you and then we'll let them go so that you can "catch" them. Daddy and I (and David and Laura) are all missing you so much. The house is too quiet without you here! I wish I could play Dunston with you or Pretty, Pretty Princess. We all went to Phoenix to see your Aunty Chrissy and Uncle Todd and Brendan this last week. It was a fun time, but again, I wish you were with us. You should see how big Brendan is getting! He's so cute now...he laughs and smiles. We went and saw the Grand Canyon. That is a huge hole in the ground in Arizona. It is really beautiful. There was some snow on the ground and Daddy slipped on it while he was holding Laura and fell down. He's o.k. though. It was kind of funny, but don't tell Daddy that I said so. I was thinking about you the other night, Sarah. I remembered when I found out that I was going to have a baby with Daddy. David and I were so excited. I thought you were going to be boy, but David said No, it's going to be a sister. God told me. He was right of course. David also said he was going to marry you and cried when I told him that he couldn't marry a relative. You were so little and cute! Daddy was in love with you from the moment you were born. Remember when you peed on that nurse as soon as you were born? Daddy thought that was SO funny! I was so happy to have a baby girl. I tried to dress you really cute so that you'd be prettier than all of the other baby girls. It wasn't hard to do...you were always so beautiful anyway. I thought about when you turned 1, 2 and 3 years old. How different you were at each birthday. You got prettier and prettier. And you were so smart! I miss you so much! Sometimes I get so mad that you had to go...that you couldn't stay with us. I know that you're happy in Heaven though. I just wish I could still see you and hold you. You will always, always be in my heart and Daddy's too. He's very sad that you're gone. Daddy loved you more than he loved anyone else in this whole world. You were so much like him. He was "Your Girl" ! ha ha. Anyway, honey, please have a nice birthday in Heaven. We are all thinking of you and trying to go on. We love you, Big 4 year old Girl! Love Mommy, Daddy, Day Day, and Lulu. December 24, 2001 Dear Sarah, Hi sweetie, I don't want you to think that we've forgotten about you. Daddy and I think about you every day. We are missing you so much this Christmas; this is the hardest time for us. We know that you are happy and probably really busy playing in Heaven. I wish you could still be here with us to open your presents and have fun playing with them. We were going to buy you a swing for Christmas so that you could swing like the girl in the Snoopy video and all your hair would be back. I hope you have a swing in Heaven that you can play with. I want to ask you to do something for me, sweetie. Daddy's birthday is coming up in a few days. We are going to be in Phoenix seeing Aunty Chrissy, Todd and Brendan. I know that the best birthday present he could get would be a visit from you. Please come and say "Hi" and "happy birthday" to your Daddy. He loves you and misses you so much! He even misses getting "poked" for you and "screaming like a girl". Please come and visit him, Sarah. It would mean so much to him. Even if it's just in a dream. Tell him how happy you are and show him your pretty long hair. Thank you Sarah for being such a good daughter and letting me love you for 3, almost 4 years. I will never, ever forget you. You will always be my Big Girl. Here's a big {{{{HUG}}}} for you and a {{KISS}} on your cheek like I'm going to eat you up!! Have a Merry Christmas sweetie. Love, Mommy, Daddy, DayDay and Lulu November 12, 2001 Hi, I felt like I needed to write this to give a little more information about how Sarah went the other day. I know that a lot of people are hurting right now (esp me, my husband and our family), but there is some comfort in all of this. I can truly say that God has been with us, comforting us, through this incredibly difficult time. On Friday, Carl and I suspected that it would be Sarah's last day with us. Her breathing had become more labored than before, but she wasn't struggling or suffering. She opened her eyes once that day and said, "I want to go night-night. I want to go night-night.". I told her, "Go night-night baby". Carl kissed her head and told her that it was o.k. to go to Jesus, that we loved her. She stayed with us and Carl's mom showed up. Sarah and Grandma Colby are very close. Her Grandma cried when she saw her, but quickly dried her tears and sat on the bed with Sarah. She took care of her....stroking her face, wiping her nose, etc. When it was time for Sarah to go, she just took one final breath and left us. She did not struggle at all. The Lord answered our prayers and took our baby quickly and without suffering. For that I am grateful. I have been praying for comfort and strength and God is with us. He knows that we are hurting. Sarah's doctors have been amazing in their show of love and support. Some of them want to come to her service on Thursday. We all know that Sarah is happy in Heaven now. She is telling Jesus, "I want to play Pretty, Pretty Princess!" and Jesus is saying, "O.k., but do I HAVE to wear the earrings?". Thank you all for praying for Sarah and caring about her. Your prayers have helped her and us tremendously. We are praying for all of the other little Rhabdoid children that are still battling this disease. It's my sincere hope and prayer that they survive and that one day the doctors will find a cure for this. God Bless you All, Gina Colby (a.k.a. "Sarah's mom") November 9, 2001 Sarah passed away today. God took her back to Heaven, quickly and peacefully, just like we all prayed for. I am so sad for myself and my family, but I am so happy for Sarah who must be playing and swinging up in Heaven and feeding all the ducks. November 9, 2001   Carl and I brought Sarah home yesterday afternoon. She is in her bed with her Hello Kitty blanket and all the familiar things about home that she loves. She is sleeping most of the time now. She has medication to help with pain (which, I do think she's comfortable) and I am giving her Ativan and Benedryl to keep her relaxed and sleepy. When she's awake she talks, but very softly and it's hard to understand. She still can't hear us, which is particularly hard on me. I really want to tell her that I love her and that she doesn't have to be afraid. I hope she knows that already. She can't move her legs at all either, which makes it difficult to change her PullUp...I need Carl's help to do it. She is so beautiful and peaceful looking though. I really can't believe that she isn't going to be with us soon. Family and friends are coming by to see Sarah now. Carl and I are praying for a swift, peaceful ending for Sarah. It is breaking my heart to see her this way. The hardest times are at night, when the house is quiet. Carl and David are going to get Sarah a kitten today. She has always wanted one, so she'll get it. She wants an orange one. We're going to name it "Angel". Yesterday, I had to tell David about Sarah. He had no idea what was going on. I sat him down and told him and he just stared at me with those big, brown eyes of his. I said, "It's o.k. to be sad, honey. It's ok to cry...even Daddy cried." Big tears just started rolling down his face. He said, "Mom, why don't you just do it again?" (chemotherapy). I told him that chemotherapy would not help her now and that we just needed to let her go. In Sarah's room, she has a Precious Moments calandar hanging on the wall. It's from the year 1999 I believe and it's been left hanging on the month December for almost 2 years now. (I just never bothered to take it down). My sister pointed it out to me yesterday. The picture that is showing is Jesus in Heaven reaching his arms out to all the little children looking up at him. How appropriate.   I want to thank everyone who has helped us all through this journey with Sarah. The staff at the City of Hope has been amazing. They were all shocked and saddened by Sarah's sudden turn around. All day long, people from the staff came in to kiss Sarah and cry with us. It's been so emotional for all of us. There is a photographer and a writer for the newspaper that have been working on a big story about Sarah for months now. Carl called them to let them know what is going on. The photographer has hundreds of digital pictures of Sarah that he is going to put on a disk for us. How precious that we will have all of these pictures of her. Everyone on the Rhabdoid board...you have all been invaluable to us. Dave, especially, we are so grateful to you for keeping this board going and giving us this webpage for Sarah. We would like to ask everyone to pray for Sarah and our family. Specifically, we are praying for comfort, peace, and acceptance. We are praying that Sarah will not suffer and that the Lord will take her home quickly. We are all in so much pain now...I don't know how long I can watch her go through this. Thank you everyone and God Bless You. November 8, 2001 Hello again this is Sarah dad. We talked to Sarah's Doctor, Dr. Sato. It is with a heavy heart that I must inform all of you, that we have no other treatment options. We are making plans to go home. Sarah does have disease in her brain and in her spinal column. This has happened very quickly. When we ( Gina and myself) made our decision, God gave us peace about it. We are presently in patient, getting ready to go home tomorrow. This will make Sarah happy. She will be around her play house and yard. We as a family will be together. The doctors and nurses are totally stuned. This really took them by surprise. The staff at the City Of Hope has been really great, with all our needs. The hardest thing that we had to do was tell our family members. I know there still numb, from the news. I will update again, when we finally get home. Bye for now, Carl. Hello this is Sarah's dad writing this update. Sarah appears to be going down hill and quickly. She is now deaf and paralized. She wants to go home. We are in-patient right now, due to tests and she is still positive for the c-diff infection. We talked to Doctor Rosenthal yesterday (her BMT doc). He stated that there were two 5mm, masses in her brain. She also has three 1 mm masses in her spinal column. He was very disappointed on a professional level. He had four radiologist read her MRI scans. They kept looking for the cause of this. The fourth Radiologist picked up on the masses. I myself looked and they were very easily looked over. I was there when they did her spinal taps. They tried at first in her lower spine. The doctors were unable to get any spinal fluid at all. They next moved us to the radiologist department, where we did the spinal tap, in the Andro X-ray machine. The spinal fluid coming out started to collagulate as soon as it came out. A couple hours later, We were informed that it was positive for disease. We are presently waiting to hear from Doctor Sato. We ( my wife and I) are ready to come home. We want to have our daughter at home for the rest of it. We are planning to talk about pain managment, and home care. I better go for now. I will update later, after we talk to the doctor and find out the actual results. Sarah's dad. Carl. Quick update... Sarah has to be taken to the hospital for a spinal tap. They found nothing on her MRI. She might have meningitas. November 6, 2001 Sarah's Dr. is going to check her MRI again. He is concerned about her. The hearing loss is so sudden and complete that he doesn't feel that the chemo drugs would have brought it on in this way. She also still has a temp and I don't think she can move her legs. I lifted one of her legs up and there was no resistance whatsoever. I'm so scared that her cancer is back. Please pray for her. The Dr. is going to call me back after he reviews her MRI.